Surviving and thriving

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"Things go up and down. If you can survive the down, it will come back." 

~John Denver

Writers know what it is to feel the writer's block. To have the notion of an idea and yet difficulty putting the words to "paper" or grasping the rest of it. 

Perhaps if I were a more diligent writer, I could be one who sat down daily and worked these thoughts out, creating something more consistent. I've often thought I'd like to try that, yet it never seems to happen.

It's utterly frustrating when you can't get the words to come or the thought to form. I'm sure every field of work has their own variation -- dancers can't quite "get" the move, scientists know that they're so close but can't find the solution -- and I'm sure the answer to that isn't clear either. Sometimes it's "take a break" and sometimes it's "power through," but it's not always clear which is right. 

I'm more of a "take a break" personality, probably. The problem is, my breaks result in not getting finished (hello ADHD!) and that's why I have a craft room full of unfinished crochet projects and a slew of unfinished draft posts. But that's a conversation for a different post. Ha.

This is a post about the holidays. Wild right turn there, I know. Bear with me.

It's a wisp of an idea I've been working on and I'm not sure I've got it quite right. I'm very much a writer who likes to sit and just let the stream of consciousness flow and, lately, it's not been flowing. I've not been trying, to be honest.

Like so many of us, I stay far too busy. I've not taken the time to sit and just write. It's a shame, really. It's not that I'm not doing things I enjoy, I am. I'm just not writing like I'd like. Every year I feel like this is a never-ending conversation with myself, too. "I should write more." "This year, I'm going to write more." 

And, yet? I don't.

Here's to good intentions, I suppose. 

It's not for lack of want. Now, I'm sure there are those of you who would read that line and say, "Well, you just don't want it enough or you'd make time."

Maybe? But I don't think I buy that logic. People have tried to sell me that belief over and over, claiming you make time for what's important or you remember what's important, etc. Really? Because if I remember what's important then why can I remember the phone number for my best friend's parent's house (they no longer live there, mind you) but I can't remember the actual day date of my dad's birthday 75% of the time? I'd argue his birthday is far more important, but my brain seems to function like it's running on Windows 95. It's poor little processor does not work properly. But that can't be replaced, it's the one the Good Lord gave me.

I digress. The point is, I think that's a good theory -- we make time for what matters -- but I don't think it's good in reality. 

The reality, in my opinion, is more like we make time for what screams for our attention. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so to speak.

And writing, while quite enjoying for me, is a quiet enjoyment that makes little sound and gets little grease. Until I realize it's been a WHILE.

And it has been a while.

I wish I could say "I'm going to do better," and actually do better, but I'm a firm believer in paying attention to history. My history has shown me -- maybe I'm not going to do better. I'll keep trying. But sometimes I just drop the ball.

And maybe that's the point of this post today. Maybe it's just to remind myself, and anyone who happens to stumble along here, that it's OK if you drop the ball sometimes.

Sometimes, it's OK if you have a day that's not your best work.

I actually uttered that phrase this week. More than once, to be honest. It's been a weird one -- a weird few -- and I told a friend, "Today is not my best work." I was joking. I have a pretty self-deprecating sense of humor, in case you've not picked that up.

But I was also actually pretty serious.

And I think, sometimes, it's OK. Don't get me wrong, I think we should always do the best we can. But I think we should also recognize that the best we can isn't the best we've ever done. It's just the best we can do that day.

That's an important distinction: the best we can do vs. the best we can do that day.

Perhaps I'm an anomaly, but I think a little grace goes a long way. But often the person we need to give grace to the most is ourselves.

We carry guilt over things we did or didn't do, said or didn't say, and utter phrases like, "I should have done better" or "I meant to do more." 

But sometimes, we really can't do more. We can do what we can do and that's all we can do except try to do something better next time. Once we recognize that, there's a sort of release. Maybe we need to recognize that in order to free ourselves up for next time.

Sometimes, holding on to past faults or hurts is the thing that keeps us from realizing our future ... growth.

I started to say successes, but that doesn't fit. Sure, yes, sometimes it's true. But life isn't always about how successful we can be. Sometimes we just survive. Sometimes we aren't "thriving" or "bossing" or "winning." Sometimes we're just surviving. And that's OK.

I think Christmas is a time when that becomes most evident -- sometimes we're just doing our best -- and yet it's also a time that we put the most pressure on ourselves to "win."

But when we all focus making sure we "win," often that means someone else has to lose.

And that is a sad state to be in life. Because when one person loses, it's never just one person. It ripples out to those around them. Plus, truthfully, there's not really a winner or loser in life. It's not a game. It's simply life. 

Perhaps this is the moment I should say that to win you should find your footing in God. And I do think that's important. But that's more than winning or losing. For me that's about surviving, too. It's my faith in God that's made that possible, something I've learned the most in the last several years.

Anyway, if you're out there doing your best this year, know it's OK. Keep going. And I'm proud of you. 

And, side note: this isn't what I intended to write at all and I still didn't get that darn wisp of an idea on paper. Maybe next time. Hopefully it won't take so long to try.

Stay warm.