Face the sun

My new cat Kaya finding her own sunshine.

"You couldn't have strength without weakness, you couldn't have light without dark, you couldn't have love without loss." ~Jodi Picoult, The Tenth Circle

I've always loved sunflowers. They're bright and cheerful. They stand tall and proud. From what I understand, as one without a green thumb, they're pretty hardy crops, growing even in harsh conditions. Because of this, they've become a symbol of strength and resilience in life. 

But one of the coolest things about sunflowers is how they follow the sun. 

There's some interesting research that's been done by UC Davis trying to figure out the ins and outs of it, but one clear thing is that they appear to track the sun, turning their "face" to follow it across the sky. They seek it out in the sky. According to older research by the university, they start their days facing east and continue to move with it.

"Sunflowers end up facing the sun, but they go through a lot of dirt to find their way there." ~J.R Rim

They're not the only flowers that participate in this daily dance of following the sun in the sky, apparently. I, admittedly, am neither a scientist nor a gardener. If that's the tips you're seeking, this is not the place for you, sorry. 

The point here is -- these flowers seek the sun. They seek the light. For it's in the light that they find their true meaning -- they attract bees and pollinators.

It makes me ponder humans in that way. We, too, grow through the darkness. We find our way out of the dirt and hard parts of life, like flowers growing from the ground. But how often do we try to stay there?

Do we look for the sunshine? Do we seek out our purpose? Do we focus on the light? Or are we content to stay in the dirt and the darkness, focusing on the shadows and the hard stuff?

But the darkness can be a hard thing to push our way out of. 

Since Jim's passing, I've found myself dealing with anxiety on a different level. Like the average American, I've always had a tinge of it, but I honestly found myself having mild panic attacks while trying to balance all of the things. It was at that point that I really worked to find a therapist. I had known I needed to look into it and had talked about it for a few years before his death. But losing him was a catalyst for that, because it was causing other anxieties to rear up.

I am so thankful for my therapist. I will tell anyone and everyone that I am pro-therapy. I will shout it from the rooftops and blast it on social media if needed.

I am still seeing a therapist and I am so grateful for her. It's not that I can't confide in friends and family. But having a therapist allowed me to confide in different ways, with someone who had no emotional or other connections to me, someone who I could share it all with and not worry about how it would impact her. She's a Godsend, no doubt.

But sometimes, even that isn't enough. Mostly, for me, it has been, but that's not the case for everyone. She and I were discussing someone else, someone I was concerned about, and she made the point that therapy is the kind of thing that you can only get out what you're able and willing to put into it. So for some, it doesn't work.

For some, even some who really want it to work, it's needs to be accompanied with other methods, like medication. And that's OK too.

Last winter, I found out that I also needed to add some light regiment to my life, because I had developed Seasonal Affective Disorder. I invested in a "happy light" and spent some time on the darkest days literally seeking out that light.

"Keep your face always towards the sunshine, and the shadows will fall behind you." ~M. B. Whitman

This winter I didn't need it as much. Perhaps it was because I was outside more overall. I'm not sure. I do know some of my favorite days are ones when I have dogs to walk in the sunshine. It does wonders for my attitude. Of course, the endorphins probably help. Maybe I should advocate for more exercise while I'm at it.

Some weeks, I think I could stop my therapy sessions. Then some weeks, the darkness comes hard and fast. Those weeks I'm ever so grateful for the glimpse of light she offers.

This is not where this post was going to start with, but it's a relevant direction. Perhaps someone else needs to seek out the light for their own mental health. Seek the sunshine, seek the help. If you can't seek the help -- if that's too much -- but you can say something to a friend or to me, please do. I will help you if I can. Seek the light you need.

Sometimes, it's just taking one more step.

[And if you need it, you can call or text 988 to talk to someone at the Suicide and Crisis helpline in the US -- please do! While I am always here to help, this is beyond my scope. But if you can't take that step, I am here for you and will help you do so.]

When you find that light, remember to help someone else find their way to it, too. People need to know they're not alone.

Perhaps you can't be the sun, but you can reflect it, as the moon does at night. Maybe you can just be there, be with someone in their darkness. You don't need to have the answers, or even any answers, to be a light. You just need to be there, to help them know they're not alone.

Life is not meant to be lived alone, but in community. But perhaps that's a topic for next week.

All of this aside, there are some lessons that can only be learned while we are wandering in the darkness and the struggles. It is a journey we must all find a way through, for that is how we grow. That's how we gain that resilience to find the light. For without the dark, how can we ever see how wonderful the light can be?

“When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”
~Edward Teller

And sometimes, it is in those moments of darkness that we learn who it is we really are. We become the barest versions of ourselves, learning things that we would never show in the light.

Sometimes, the darkest moments of life are a great teacher, for we learn what we can accomplish.

I can say, with certainty, I've learned more about myself in the last few years while wandering through my own darkness. I feel as if I'm finding the light more and more.

As a person of faith, turning my face to the Son has helped me on my journey. That is another aspect I'd be happy to help you with if you find yourself curious.

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." ~Psalm 34:5