Growth is uncomfortable

"Growth is uncomfortable. Not growing is worse." ~Sahil Lavingia

I was talking to a friend this week and someone's name came up. This is someone I had past hurt from, a situation I'm not terribly proud of my role in, but I've undoubtedly shared about with others casting myself in a better light, as we often do.

It's a situation from before I even met Jim, although not much more. Kind of one of those inciting incidents (as writers would say) leading me down a particular path.

As I mentally prepared to express my dislike of the person, my friend shook his head and said words that I didn't expect for some reason. So simple. So basic. He said they'd "changed."

Later, my brain was replaying that conversation, as it does so often with conversations, when God made me take notice.

They'd "changed." 

Haven't we all? Of course they've changed. It was more than 10 years ago, 11 actually. I feel like I've lived a lifetime in that 10 years. I am absolutely, unequivocally not the same person I was 10 years ago.

I certainly had more
hair then!

Certainly not 11 or 12 years ago, fresh-faced, straight out of grad school, working at my "dream" job. I was much healthier in all ways, before the bad food choices and high stress from being always "on," always prepared for the next story. Before my life became deadlines, sources, and pounding the "beat" for the latest story.

It was also before I became a girlfriend and eventually a wife, stepmom and second dog mom. It was before health scares for us both (well, all five if you count the dogs and Spaz) and home ownership.

It was before loss of that dream job and finding my way to new ones.

It was before so much loss in general.

A lot has happened in 11 years. I've lived what's felt like multiple lifetimes since then. There's nothing wrong with that, because we are allowed to grow and change.

And yet, I'm still holding on to that situation. I still have that person locked in to who they were 11 years ago.

"You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously." ~Richard Feynman

I hadn't thought about it much until the last year or so. As I said, it was one of those incidents that I argue led toward Jim. My broken road, as the song goes. There's more than a few things I look to that God used to get me toward him and ready to meet him, a few pieces to that puzzle that formed. This situation was one of those. I don't even feel hurt or shame about that situation anymore.

But whenever someone brought this person up, I tended to let my displeasure come out. No matter how unfair it was. I continued to recall that story. In my head, in my mind, I've held on to the story like a badge of honor of some kind.

It was an uncomfortable realization. No one likes to think they're wrong. And in the recent handlings of it, I think I've been wrong. I don't need to bring it up, I don't need to tell everyone how I feel about this person. It's not relevant anymore.

I like to think I'm a mature person in many ways. I'm arguably not always the most "adulty" adult in the room, but I like to think I have maturity in a lot of ways. 

I've not been mature about this. I've not been a good Christian about this. I've not been a great human about this.

Why do I insist on sharing the story?

I'm not entirely sure. I do love a good story. I am a storyteller by nature. I think it's in my roots. I don't necessarily think sharing the story itself is a problem, depending on the context. It is, as I said, part of my story. I have a right to share my story.

But what makes me sharing worse is when I name them. I think that's the part of the story I need to leave out. That's the part of the story that isn't mine to share anymore. Because that's only doing one thing -- painting them in a bad light.

Heck, even old debt fall off your credit and certain crimes can be expunged by 10 years.

Oh, but don't we like to name and shame people. That's why people love gossip.

Gossip is a fickle beast. We all like to hear it -- as long as it isn't about us. And while me telling a true story isn't gossip, honestly, it isn't much better. It is including a detail that doesn't need to be.

I have this tendency, especially as a neurospicy person, to want to make sure my side of the story is understood. I feel I need to include everything so people have the full story. I want to keep people informed if there's what I feel is pertinent information.

But is it?

Sometimes, we need to consider if the "information" we are sharing is really information, is gossip, or is simply feeding our own egos. 

"Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions." ~Proverbs 18:2 NIV

I think it was feeding my ego to an extent. Like I said, I love a good story.

The question is, now what? I'm not sure. I don't see nor talk to this person in general. Life hasn't forced us together in the same room in several years. I don't know anything about their life now. We weren't even friends before. Just mere aquaintances in an uncomfortable situation.

I'm not sure I'm mature enough to apologize for sharing what probably shouldn't have been shared. I hate confrontation. And sometimes, I think saying things and bringing it up again makes it worse.

Heck, this might simply be a blip on their radar and not even a thought in their mind. I guess I'll have to pray about it. This is one of those situations where I'm admittedly a little scared of what God will ask.

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” ~C.S. Lewis

Sometimes, God asks us to do big things. Those big things including admitting to our own faults. I have plenty I'm willing to admit. But don't we all have those we want to keep hidden? Those failings we wish to never see light.

Sometimes God asks us to do things outside our comfort zone. And sometimes God asks us to do things that peck at that pride we've built up. Like grant forgivness for wrongs committed against us. Or ask for forgiveness when we've been wrong. 

Forgiveness is hard, but asking for forgiveness is even harder sometimes. We never want to admit that!

Growth is hard and sometimes painful. But it's necessary. Otherwise, we become stagnant.

"If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living." ~Gail Sheehy

Anyway, thanks for letting me be a little bit vulnerable today. 

Hope your day is good and your coffee is strong.