Facing those fears
“Of the widow’s countless death-duties there is really just one that matters: on the first anniversary of her husband’s death the widow should think: I kept myself alive.”
If there's one thing being widowed at a young age has taught me, it's that life is short. It's beautiful and wonderful. It's terrifying and hard. And it's never long enough if you live it well.
I've tried, since Jim died, to make a point of living life the way I feel I should, the way I feel God leads me to, and a way that would make my husband proud. I've started doing things that terrify me.
I've launched businesses, despite my fear of failure, despite my imposter syndrome, and despite it being so freaking hard.
I've started a podcast.
That last one? That's the one I've not shared with many people. I think it might be the most terrifying thing I've done.
Not the actual podcast itself, but telling people. It's more like my old college radio station days when I didn't tell people I was on air in hopes that no one would listen or call in. Pretty sure it took almost a whole semester before I was brave enough to share that with everyone.
But, I'm a firm believer that God puts things on our hearts for a reason.
I believe it was a God thing that prompted us to start the podcast. See, my friend Gina and I are both widows. It was less than a year after her husband died that mine did as well. We were friends before, but now we're sisters, joined in what we call the "crappy club." It's a bond forged in grief.
We just felt like we should share our stories and, with any luck, it might help someone else.
I'm also a firm believer that God sets things in motion well before we ever need them, knowing we will one day. While the program we use is fairly simple and straightforward, I acknowledge that my confidence to use it comes from skills I learned way back in college. Knowing how to use technology, how things could be and should be, comes in handy when working with this stuff now. Having been an adjunct instructor for a few years, I've gained more confidence in recording myself speaking than I had back in my radio days.
I don't doubt that was God, preparing me. At least for this.
Still -- posting this podcast, sharing it privately with a few people here and there -- that's not the same as telling the world and their momma on our social media pages. We've both quietly shared the page we created, the posts we've made, the episodes. Anyone who listens and knows us will figure it out fairly quickly.
But posting it quietly and shouting it to the world? That's two different things. I'm not much for shouting things to the world. I prefer to move quietly, speak softly, operate in the shadows.
God, however? God has other plans sometimes. And boy do we drag our feet when that contradicts our desires.
A few months ago, I was listening to KLove when the deejay talked about having the courage to do something God is asking of you. To be completely honest, I don't even remember the exact conversation anymore.
But the point stuck out to me. Basically, "What is it God is asking of you and what's stopping you?"
And in that moment, listening to him talk about this thing he'd been putting off, it hit me. God wants me to tell people, to talk about the podcast that was laid on our heart months ago.
But. But. But. I drug those feet a little longer.
And, honestly? I'm still terrified.
I can talk a big game about throwing off others' judgements and not caring so much about what people think of me. But actually doing that? Actually sharing this very personal thing I've created? That's hard.
But God.
God has asked me, time and again, to do this. What am I possibly missing out by not following in obedience this thing that's been asked of me?
Who else might be missing out because of my lack of obedience?
So. Here goes. This is my challenge, this is my public declaration. This is me doing this thing that God is asking.
I'd like to introduce you to our podcast:
As you might guess, our podcast covers grief, widowhood, and all that entails.
We don't have a fancy studio or equipment. Most of the episodes, we sit in my living room, using my little laptop that's surviving on willpower, a little snowball mic a friend gave me, and a web-based program called Riverside.fm that allows for storing and basic edits.We aren't professionals.
This isn't super polished or any sort of expert work. It's just two women sharing their stories and talking about life. Occasionally, we bring a friend or 3 along with us. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's tear-filled. Sometimes it's both in a matter of minutes.
In any case, it's real, it's honest, and it's us.
Neither of us had shared it publicly (beyond sneaky little shares here and there) because putting this out there is TERRIFYING. But, sometimes, you finally have to admit, it's time to do the thing God has asked of you.
We'd love to hear feedback on our social media sites!
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