Give it all

"God is to be praised with the voice, and the heart should go therewith in holy exultation."

~Charles H. Spurgeon

I've always loved music. My Papa was a church song leader when I was growing up and we always played the name that tune song. He led hymn sings and loved to organize county-wide ones. He was a solid singer, with a good voice. 

I admired his comfort in front of people and loved when we'd spend time singing or guessing songs. It felt like a special thing with us.

He always wanted me to sing in groups and pushed me to do solos, although I was never brave enough for that. He'd be so proud of how far I've come, being able to speak in front of people now.

But singing solos? I never felt I had such skill. 

As I type that, I sort of laugh at myself -- not about the having skill, because I sincerely think I'm an OK singer, but nothing spectacular. But I laugh at myself because I am the first person to tell people "it doesn't matter how you sound, God just loves the effort."

My handsome Papa Phillippe
as a young man :)

As Psalm says, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord." 

"Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: Make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise." ~Psalm 98:4 KJV

Anyway, he always encouraged that love of music in me. It was something that was special about our relationship, it always felt like our thing. And I loved those events. I love hearing people raise their voices to God. No matter how "good" or "bad" people sounded. Just all raised together -- that's one of my favorite parts of services, closing my eyes and hearing everyone singing.

Songs have a way of moving people. They can fill you with emotion, even move you to tears. And God can make that happen anywhere. Some of my loudest and best worship moments have been alone in my car -- sometimes you have to remember to not literally let Jesus take that wheel.

And sometimes, like this morning, they happen when you're not expecting it.

This morning, as often happens on rainy and dreary days, I woke up with a migraine. The best regiments tend to be lots of water, some caffeine, a shower, and food. Not always in that order. Meds and peppermint tea also help.

I had turned on my new favorite Spotify list, a folk and acoustic mix that has a lot of Christian folk/acoustic mixed in. On any day, but migraine days especially, I'm sensitive to extra sounds. I prefer acoustic and simple sounds.

Anyway, the song Fishes and Loaves starts up. 

Now, if you're like me, you've heard this one hundreds of times already. It's referring to the Feeding of the 5,000, a story shared in all four Gospels: Matthew 14:13-21, Mark 6:30-44, Luke 9:10-17, and John 6-15.

Most of us know how that chorus goes by heart by now. Although I did think it said "I know what I own," when it actually says "I know what I owe," which completely changes the meaning there, too.

But have you listened to the verses? Like really listened? I did today. And it struck me so hard.

The verses are written from the perspective of someone who was there on the mountainside. Not just any someone, but the young boy with the two fish and five loaves. The little boy who had so little and yet gave it all.

I debated on sharing the entirety of the lyrics, but I think that might get too much. Go look them up or give the song a real, solid listen. Instead, I want to share the last verse and chorus:

They brought me to the man

I put the food in his hand

Held back my questioning thoughts

Something told me that the preacher could

See the war between my head and heart

When he said

Oh my child let go

I know you're uneasy, but I'm in control

I don't need that much for me to show

I'll make the most of your fishes and loaves

How often do we find ourselves in the same boat? We're giving it to God, but we're withholding our questions and doubts. We're afraid to ask and we're trying to hand it over the same boat. We don't think we have much to give and we doubt it can be useful, but here it is.

Here's the thing, something that maybe the song doesn't say: God wants us to hand those doubts over too. They're in our minds and they're in the way. God knows we have them.

Another thing about me growing up, I asked a lot of questions. Like, more than normal kids. I was the teen who was annoying with all of my questions. You can ask my parents, my youth leaders, and the pastor at my church during my teen and college years -- shout out to Bro. Chris and Jeff and Audrey! I'm sure they remember the relentless questions I'd ask.

No wonder I eventually went into the news industry for a while. I always want to know why things are that way. 

I know there are those who think we shouldn't ask questions of God. We should just take things at face value as "that's the way it is," especially in the church. But I disagree. Part of this stance comes from that pastor and those youth leaders (and my parents always) for never making me feel like I couldn't ask questions. They encouraged my challenging nature and tried to answer or help me understand. 

I think God is that way too. God knows we have questions -- we were designed that way for a reason! We were given a brain to consider things, contemplate, seek out things. We have critical thinking skills enabled for a reason.

Sure, we are meant for praising God. But we are also meant to use our God-given talents and the skills we've been encouraged to grow too. We aren't stagnant creatures.

And we may not have much. At least, it may not seem like we do. But God knows exactly what we have and how it can be used. God knows all those questions we want to ask but are afraid to.

I believe God wants us to ask them. God wants to know not only do we trust the plan and the purpose He has for us, but also that we trust him with our doubts, our fears, the anxieties that life is throwing our way. God doesn't want us to be withholding ANY part of ourselves.

"We must never rest until everything inside us worships God." ~A. W. Tozer

That includes the ugly parts. The parts we think we can't show because we're a "good church folk."

A lot of "church folk" think that, too, that you have to hide the ugly or that you're not "Christian enough" if you fall into these. Nah, I don't buy it. It's not that you don't have enough faith and God wants that too.

God wants you to share your depression with Him. Because you're not alone in the darkness.

God wants you to share your grief with Him. Because He's with you in the pain.

God wants you to share your anxiety with Him. Because God is the port in the storm.

God wants you to share your questions with Him. Because God has the answers you seek and will help you find them.

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." -1 Peter 5:7 KJV 
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7 NIV

It also includes the good parts. Sometimes, when things are going well, we forget that.

God wants to know how happy you are about that early payday. He knows it helps ease the burden.

God wants to know about your visit with your friend. He wants us to be in communities.

God wants to hear about those little things that make you smile. He created those moments for you to experience.

So don't forget to bring forth those fishes and loaves. And those fears and worries. And those joys and smiles. And everything else. God wants your whole heart and whole self.

We may not think it's much. But it's all. And God wants it all.