I lava you always

"They say nothing lasts forever, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we're gone." 

                            ~ P.S. I Love You

 
Tonight my heart is broken. My best friend and the love of my life has passed. 

I've cried. More than I ever thought I could. But it also seems it could never be enough to express how deep I feel this. 

I never expected to become a widow at the age of 34. 

To be honest, it blows. Like epically. Right now, I feel like I can't offer a lot of poignant words. Just bluntness. And some random thoughts, which happens to be my specialty. 

First: it really really sucks.

Like really sucks. I can't think of a better word there.

That said, I am so incredibly grateful for the nearly 10 years we spent together. We survived more in our time than many do in their lifetime. 

Makes sense now, I guess. We were squeezing a lifetime in. Who knew?

God did. 

And while part of me is angry because he's no longer with me, I can't hold that emotion. It's a fleeting one, a moment which passes almost as quickly as it comes. 

It's replaced with gratefulness. 

I am hurting. So much. 

But I am so grateful for the amazing 10 years I had with the love of my life. Literally. He was my best friend. He was my perfect match. He was so perfectly made for me that I'm convinced I could never have made a better version. 

Now, that's not to say he was perfect. Not in the least. 

But he was perfect for me. 

Before I met my love, I doubted I'd ever find a man to put up with my crazy quirks, my off-the-wall creative ideas, and my utterly scattered mind. Nor did I think I could find a man I could put up with for forever.

Not only did he put up with it all, he loved it. He so loved how my mind worked. It fascinated him in ways I'll never fully grasp. He loved my quirks!

I was his unicorn. 

His words. He said I was so unique, I had to be a unicorn. Unique was likely code for weird, but it was loving when he said it. It became our thing. Just us. I never really liked them that much -- until Jim. He taught me their value just as he helped me grow and see my own. 

I guess he was my unicorn too, in a way.

Now? 

Now I have to figure out how to live without him. With the man who was my match, my equal, my person. The person I wanted to share all the good with and the person I needed when all the world was hard and painful. 

It may be the most painful thing I've ever had to endure. Learning to live without my other half. Learning to face life alone. 

It seems so unfair. It all seems so unfair. 

But life is not always fair. Sometimes it really sucks. And sometimes it hurts. 

That's what he'd tell me. He'd give me a hug. And he'd let me cry. Then we'd deal with whatever came our way together. 

So, to my love, I will. I'll spend some time in the coming days, weeks, months, years crying. But I'll face it. I'll be strong for you. And when I need a hug, I know you're there, with me, always in my heart. Even now, I can feel you.

But more than that, I know you're in heaven above with Jesus and all those you love. You finally get to meet my papa and my grandpa. Poor angels above, I'm sure you all are already up to some tricks.

I'm sure they're telling you all kinds of stories. Some I'd rather no one knew. Some we've told you. 

But be careful of those stories. They're just as good at tall tales as you are, my love. Probably better. They had a lot more practice. 

And don't worry about me. I'll keep my head up and keep loving people as you'd want me to. 

Because, for whatever faults you may have had, you were amazing at helping people. You not only dedicated your career to it, but it was just who you were. I was in awe of how you found ways to help people, deserving or not. And you did it so that others wouldn't know. You never wanted the credit or the glory. 

Like when you got that award at work and you complained and complained about it. 

Still one of your more accurate photos, you goof. 

You made me laugh so much. So many of our days were filled with that. And all of them were filled with love. 

And so, my love, I will do my best to continue that. To keep days of laughter and love. 

And I will be so utterly grateful for all the days I had with you. Because, even knowing what I know, even knowing how our story ends: I wouldn't trade our time for anything. 

I'll never forget the first text conversation, Mr. PIO. I'll never forget the first time I saw you in that parking lot. I'll never forget our first date at the park with Luna or our McDs dates for ice cream after my meetings. 

I'm only sorry for all we didn't get to do. For all those grand plans we had that will never come to fruition now. But I will do those things with you in my heart.

Just like I will take every breath, take every step, and face every day with you in my heart. I'll keep my faith, just as I know you would want me to.

"Even if."

This is not goodbye, my love. This is see you later. You're stuck with me, ya know, you just got there first. Of course, you're the competitive one, you had to win.

In the meantime, I'll make this life the best I can in your memory. Don't worry about me baby. I'll see you when I get there. And I'll keep an eye on the kids and dogs, too. I'll make sure they all know how much you love them.

I lava you always. And I'm happy to have been stuck with you.