Inadequacies

"You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody." ~Maya Angelou 

Inadequacies.

We all have them. Some of us have more obvious ones than others, but they exist in everyone. 

I'm convinced that half of why we act the way we do is our attempt to cover up our own perceived inadequacies. We're afraid that someone is going to notice this giant flaw we possess and somehow use it against us or to embarrass us. 

We're all just trying to save face.

Lately, I've felt the weight of my own inadequacies. I find myself dealing with them a lot as I age. I'm tired of them, to be honest. It begs the question -

Are our inadequacies really there or are they self-perceived notions?

For me, they manifest in imposter syndrome so much of the time. I feel I don't have the confidence to work there, the knowledge to teach that or the skills to write that. In this case, is it really my inadequacies or my own mind playing tricks on me?

Perhaps this why some around us do not seem to possess the inadequacies that the rest of us do. Perhaps they know how to ignore that manipulative voice in their head telling them they can't. Or perhaps, they simply don't notice these things. They are full of confidence and spunk. Or obliviousness.

"The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along. I simply hadn't thought about it." ~ Sylvia Plath

How interesting that would be? Sometimes I am oblivious. But rarely to my own inadequacies.

Myself and my late Mamaw in early
2000s. Look at those Mudd Jeans!

They started early. All of my life, I've been a rather "big" girl. Or at least I always felt like one. In my mind, all of my friends were much shorter and thinner than me in my formative years and it stuck with me. I always felt like a bull in a china shop, as the old adage goes. 

So I spent my life trying to make myself smaller. I took smaller steps, I spoke quietly and I tried everything in my power to do nothing to draw attention to myself or my frame. I tried to not speak, for fear I would say the wrong thing. Or that I would simply talk too much. I tried to be in the room, but not in the way.

As I get older, I see other young people in my life who do the same. I recognize that look in their face. They want to be part of what's going on, but they just hope no one will notice that they don't belong.

Sometimes, I still feel that same sense washing over me. That wanting to be part of the group, but never quite feeling that I am.

I wonder.

Does that ever go away?

Is there ever a point in our lives where we recognize that we don't have to make ourselves fit into others' groups? We don't have to continue to squeeze a "square peg into a round hole," [comment if you get the movie reference there] but we finally find where all the pegs fit?

I'm still working on finding that space. I'm trying to create that space around me. The space to be who I am.

But I find, as I do, that people who once thought I fit with are realizing I no longer do. They wonder what's changed about me, when I became some strange new person they don't recognize.

I wonder why it took them so long to realize I was never who they thought I was. 

Sometimes I want to go up to those who I see trying to force themselves into the wrong fit and tell them it doesn't have to be this way. I fully believe, when you are comfortable with who you are, with who God made you to be, you will find where you belong. 

"When you are oppressed with constant thoughts of your inadequacy, recognize the voice of accusation for who it is. It certainly isn't God." ~Sally Clarkson, The Mom Walk

But, I will say, I suspect it doesn't look anything like the place you imagined.

At the doggy daycare.
I love my part-time job!

I'm not there yet. Each day, I feel like I move a little closer to being who I was designed to be. Yet at the same time, I can feel that voice in my head, trying so hard to make me sit back down. Trying so hard to make me return to being the invisible voice.

It's hard to be seen, truly seen. But to you who are trying, to you who are learning who you are and who you are meant to be, I see you. I tip my hat to the effort you are making. 

Don't let those doubts or inadequacies weigh you down.

Don't let those who who are uncomfortable with what they see when they finally see the real you -- don't let them dictate who you are.

Bear with me friends. I'm still finding who I am, too. It takes some time to undo the self-imposed nonsense and the demands I've put on. But I'm on this journey too.

Even if no one else is, I'm rooting for you.

I have pizza wings! Taken during a day of 
exploring with my love, outside two of
his favorites: Skyline and LaRosa's.