The biggest failure

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." ~John 14:6

I mess up.

A lot.

I’m an imperfect being.

And I’m a major introvert with slight anxiety. That translates to mean, I don’t do well with confrontation or serious, firm talk. It usually ends in me (unsuccessfully) attempting to hold back tears.

It’s not that I’m a dramatic being. It’s just that something within me seems to literally fall apart and any self-control I have simply disappears.

And, in the case of confrontations, I tend to feel like I’ve let people down.

When I let people down, I feel like I failed them. Or myself. And that’s a big thing for me. It’s hard for me to handle that. Sometimes, that stress leaks out through my eyes.

Recently, a friend passed away. I wouldn’t call this person a super close friend, but slightly more than an acquaintance.

I failed this person on the biggest level I could ever have failed a person. And dealing with that has made this a tough week, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

The death of this person is not about me and I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m trying to say it is.

It’s about the family left behind. It’s about the life gone sooner than expected.

And it’s about this person’s eternal soul.

Because, I can’t help but shake the feeling that this person was not a believer. And it scares me to my core. It scares me because I know where someone who rejects God goes. I’ve been earnestly praying that maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe not praying, but pleading in some way for God to show me that I’m wrong. That this person was saved and I just didn’t know it.

See, we’d lost touch in recent years. So it’s possible.

But I fear, to the core of my being, that it didn’t happen.

And that breaks my heart.

Could I have said or done something that would have made a difference?

I’ve never been good at directly witnessing to people. I’ve been to discipleship classes. I know the right things to say.

But that introverted self has a hard time doing these things.

I have a true confession. In my 29 years of life, I’ve never actually led another person to Christ.

I vividly remember being at FFA camp one summer. We went to a nearby subdivision to do a door-to-door witnessing thing. I thought I was going to hyperventilate. When it came my turn to talk, they wouldn’t answer the door.

Instead, I snuck a tract in the mailbox.

I’ve always tried to live a life that reflected Christ, in the hopes that my life would impact someone. I guess I was trying to compensate for my ability to actually speak.

Speaking is my weakness. For the fans of Superman out there — speaking is my kryptonite.

I know the power rests in God to help. That’s a post for a different day.

There are a few points I want to get across in this post.

If you’re a Christian, does everyone around you know that? And do those people see a difference in you? Or do you talk the talk without walking the walk?

You can’t do that. You can’t speak of Jesus in one breath and live as the world in another. That’s the biggest detriment to your testimony that could exist.

And if you’re not a Christian, I beg of you, look into it. I will do everything I can, I will lean into God, and I will talk to you, if you need someone to talk to.

I believe that death is not the end. Death is only the beginning of our eternity: will yours be in Heaven or Hell? Those are very real places. It’s not a fairytale and it’s not a crock.

I believe, wholeheartedly, that God is real, Heaven is real and Hell is real.

When I die, I know where I’ll be.

What about you? Death comes to us all and it’s never when we expect. Are you ready for what comes next?



I pray you are.