When to be still

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10a

I debated about writing this one. This is definitely not a post for everyone.

You see, it's rather personal, but all of mine are usually personal. But this one is personal in a different way. In fact, this one is likely for women's eyes only — because I suspect men don't want to think about that big taboo thing we women deal with once a month.

I'm going to talk about that cursed time of the month. The horrible visitor we all get.

Or wish to get.

Have I lost all those with delicate sensitivities to this yet? Please come back and visit some of my other posts. But I understand the need to skip this one.

See, in my case, it's been more than a few months. And no, I'm not pregnant. BELIEVE me. I've checked. And checked and checked.

I was an early bloomer. Fourth grade. It's not fun trying to sneak open feminine products in an elementary bathroom, but I did. I vividly remember someone asking once who was opening a candy bar in the bathroom. That was an awkward thing to stumble through, since I didn't want to admit it to my classmates.

I had painful cramps as a young bloomer. By high school, I had difficulties with "headaches." Sometimes stress-induced, sometimes lady time induced.

Those escalated. I would have a short visit, but a long week before and after, with "headaches," stomach aches, mood swings, and more. You know the fun things that come with that time.

When I say headaches, I mean the kind that put you to bed. My head feels like it's going to explode, my eyes hurt, my shoulders hurt.

This isn't meant to be a complain session, just to let you know where I was.

Then, last year, just before I got married, I decided to start birth control. In that and following visits, my doctor warned me then that I might have PCOS, but not a lot about it, because, well, there's not a lot of definitive information it seems. She did say that explained my irregular periods, my headaches, all of it.

I can't explain that feeling. On the one hand, it made me feel sad and worried. I have friends who have PCOS and they've been wonderful about sharing their story publicly. And, of course, there's the ever-used Google search. But all of these just make you more aware of the symptoms, not the solutions.

On the other hand, it made me relieved. It finally made sense. It answered so many questions. And I found a medical professional who cared enough to explain it to me. I didn't feel so crazy.

But I'm learning that the relief isn't a longterm thing.

This year has been an up-down of stress and emotions stemming largely from this experience only we women endure. It was the end of June when I realized I hadn't had a period since sometime in May. So that's two I had skipped. I waited and waited to see if it would come in June and nada.

Stress doesn't help. But it's hard not to stress.

It didn't help that was the week I sprained my ankle. That weekend, I tested and got a faint positive. That was a moment of panic. While Jim and I have talked about having more kids, we haven't prepared for that. We have rooms prepared for T and M, but wouldn't have rooms for any extra kiddos. And financially, more kids would make things a bit tight.

And, as I said, it's hard not to stress when they say not to stress.

I took two or three more that weekend and got negatives. I started calling my doctor on Monday. It was a hectic week anyway, pre-vacation, post-ankle sprain. It was Wednesday, when I went and got a blood test done. The Friday before I had blood work after my accident, per worker's comp rules. I was starting to feel like a pin cushion. This time was to prove, again, that I wasn't pregnant.

July came and went with no visitor. This time, I was given Medroxyprogesterone. (Say that three times fast!)

I just finished the round of it.

*Gross alert.* As I said at the beginning, I wasn't going to write this but this morning I woke up violently ill. I hate vomiting as much as the next person, but I can usually recover. This morning, I honestly thought I might pass out, because I was heaving so strongly.

It could be allergies, because it's been very rainy here. But when you Google side effects of this medicine, that's one of the big things.

And the more I read on the side effects, the worse it got. Yaaayyy....

I'm now trying to mentally prepare for a long, heavy, very painful period. I've laid around most of the day, trying to eat carefully, and testing out different types of teas. In case you want to know, Chamomile and Peppermint help.

This is getting to be a long post, I'm sorry, but bear with me.

I was speaking with a dear friend of mine a week ago. She is in a similar situation, but hasn't started medicine like I have.

"Sometimes I feel like my insides are rebelling against me."

That's the best summary there is. It truly feels like your body is betraying you.

Honestly, I felt better without birth control than I had since I started. But I also know that my body isn't functioning properly without something.

It's hard to accept that your body doesn't work like it should.

It makes you feel like you've failed in some way. It's emotionally draining, because you think you could be pregnant. Because you worry about when the visitor might arrive and then you stress more when it doesn't.

Tonight, with all that on my mind, I waited for Jim to pick me up after a meeting for work. As I sat on a bench, I noticed the sunset. It was beautiful.

I decided to get up and walk for a better view. As I rambled across the parking lot, Psalm 46:10a popped into my head.

"Be still"... "Be still and know that I am God."

It was followed by a song by Chris Tomlin, "I lift my hands."

Let faith arise/Let faith arise/I lift my hands to believe again/You are my refuge, You are my strength/As I pour out my heart, these things I remember/You are faithful, God forever

Maybe it's the hormones surging through my body, but I found myself almost moved to tears.

In whatever happens, I'm not alone. I am blessed to have amazing friends who put up with my incessant questions about tests and fears, and a wonderful husband who hugs me when the hormones and fears are overwhelming.

And most of all, I have a God who sends the most beautiful sunsets when we need a little peace and a little extra nudge to feel His presence.

To my fellow ladies dealing with this annoying illness, you're not alone either. My heart goes out to you hopeful mothers. Sending you virtual hugs.

____________________

Follow up:
I wanted to add to this, in case someone was curious. I have finished the Medroxyprogesterone and let's say it was successful. The symptoms on it weren't terrible, until I got sick. But the symptoms this week have been slightly worse than normal. It definitely lasted longer than normal.

Good luck ladies and to your spouses, too.