What a step parent is like...

I'm not really comfortable
with putting the kids on here,
so I'll just post this instead. :)

"Being a stepmom is hard because even when you know you love someone they need to be shown this exponentially. You have to love them, and love them, and love them. Then you have to love them a little bit more." - Brie Gowan, "Why Being a Stepmom is Hard"

The other day, I had a new friend ask me what it was like to be a stepparent. She's a single mom and has been seeing a guy who, like myself, doesn't have kids of his own.

The question caught me a little off-guard. Not that I mind answering it, but I'm not always good at answering spontaneous questions like that. I mean, heck, when Jim asked me to marry him I stared for a few minutes as I processed what he was asking!

But I thought about it the rest of the day, week even. I had started to put it out of my mind and something came roaring back which reminded me again.

To be honest, being a stepparent is weird.

I know, that's not what you might expect me to say, but bear with me.

Just like parenting, there's no "right" way to be a stepparent. There are those who prefer to act and treat their bonus kids just like their birth kids. Which is great, if you have that kind of experience. Then, there are those who say you should NEVER do certain things because those are things that only the birth parent has the right to do. And there's everything in between.

Believe me, I've looked. I've read the all-ins and I've read the hands-offs and I've read all in between. And I still don't know the perfect answer.

But there's a few things I've learned since writing about my expectations last year; some are the same, some are new. First, stepparents aren't things children aspire to have. And you have to remember that — it's not like you exactly aspired to be a stepparent. In our storybook tales, stepmothers are portrayed as evil, awful creatures and stepfathers aren't portrayed at all. It's to be expected that the concept might scare a kid.

Plus, and the biggest aspect, some kids genuinely don't want you there. Because they want their mom and their dad to be together.

By and large, I'm pretty lucky in the bonus kid department; mine don't hate me. I think they might even love me a little bit.

It's hard for a kid to figure out where this new person is going to fit in their life. I mean, they're familiar with a mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. These are people they've spent their years getting to know.

But a stepparent? That's not in the family tree. So it's tough for a kid to know where to put you.

"M," my bonus daughter, is very quick, and maybe a little proud, to call me her stepmom. If someone calls me mom, she makes the distinction quickly. Which I understand and I expect — she has a mom, someone who loves her very much and is an essential part of her life. I'm not her mom and I'm not trying to replace her mom. So, my second tip would be to remember that, especially if their parents are active participants in their lives. A stepparent isn't a replacement parent and should never try to be.

That doesn't mean a stepparent can't help in disciplining or whatnot, but, again, that's one of those ongoing debates you see all over this wonderful internet. I'm not getting into that, except to say that's a conversation Jim and I have had and are constantly having.

My biggest expectation, as far as that goes, is just respect. Listen to me, respect me, and we will be okay. But I expect a lot of people to behave with respect and the world is often proving me wrong. Kids, well they're kids and they're not perfect, even with their parents.

That's another tip and probably one of the biggest, is to not take things too much to heart. Kids say things they don't mean to or in a way they don't always mean to. The other day, M was talking about her family, naming those relatives I mentioned before. She's still learning all of her family, which is understandable — I'm 27 and still learning all of my extended relatives. After a point, I just gave up, I think.

Anyway, she said something about mommy and daddy and all of her family. And ended it with, "and that's my family." Her dad pointed out that I was part of her family, to which she replied, "but she's not my real family."

Boy did that sting. Trust me, future stepparent, you don't know pain until a kid says something that hurts you, even if they don't mean to. Kids say what they are thinking and it's a pain that takes your breath away.

When that happens, you have to take a second, mask your pain, because you don't want them to get upset over something they didn't mean, and move on. Because it will happen. It's not something that can easily be explained or understood, especially by their parent, but it will happen.

And, there are times when you just screw up. It makes you feel really terrible — when a parent screws up, for the most part, a kid can forgive them because they were a big part of why the kid is there. It's in all of us to want to love our parents, even when someone tries to deny it or ignore it. We can't help it, we're hardwired that way.

But to not forgive this person? Ah, I think that's much easier. That's why there are those stepparents who become more like "friends" or "big sisters" or "big brothers," because it's easier to take that kind of role.

In this friend's case, she was only dating the person. That's almost worse, because being the girlfriend or boyfriend is tougher. If you're a responsible person, which I would hope you are if you're serious about someone with kids, you will want to be just as responsible with the kids whether you're dating or not. But you don't really have that responsibility or the power that comes with being married. So it's a very tricky line.

Like I said, I'm lucky. But that doesn't mean it's easy. I'm constantly worried about what is the right thing, which I know is part of being a parent. But I also try to toe that line, because I want to do right by the kids without crossing over to being too much of their parent. I never want them to think I'm trying to replace their mom.

Most of all, being a stepparent is awesome. You get to play a role in the lives of kids who are the product of someone you love and of another someone you (hopefully) learn to respect. Those two people give up the best parts of themselves for these kids. That's what it means to be a parent and you have to do the same, even though you're "only a step."

But sometimes it's hard and painful. Especially in the beginning. I hear it gets better; I'll let you know.

Sometimes, you don't know the jokes or you weren't part of the memories they relive. You can't tell your stepdaughter or son how they acted as a baby or what they nicknamed their sibling. You can't tell them when they learned to walk or talk. You can't even tell them what the name of their first pet was or what lullaby would put them to sleep as a baby.

You're missing a big chunk of their lives. And you continue to miss it. You have to remember to bear with their mom or dad, too, because they are missing that chunk of their child's life and it hurts, too.

The part that's the most painful is knowing that I love these kids so much, but I'm not their parent. A lot of times it means feeling like a secondary character in their life, or a third wheel. There's not much that can prepare for that feeling, but try to not let it get to you when that happens. Because it mostly likely will; it's inevitable.

There's a line in the movie "Stepmom," near the end, that I love. If you've never seen it, you really should, but it will make you cry. At least it always did me and that's before I ever heard of Jim or my bonus kids!

Spoiler alert: I'm trying to not spoil it, but it's hard to without explaining the movie. So I understand if you beg off here, at least long enough to go watch it. Because it's a great movie.

Anyway, it's nearing the end. The mother, Jackie, is very sick, likely won't make it much longer and she's talking with the stepmom, Isabel. I've thought about this scene a lot in recent years, because I think I begin to understand more about what it means.

Isabel: You know, I never wanted to be a mom. Sharing it with you... that's one thing. It's another to be looking over my shoulder for the next twenty years, knowing someone else would have done it better... someone else would have done it right.
Jackie Harrison: What do you have that I don't?
Isabel: You're Mother Earth, incarnate.
Jackie Harrison: You're... hip, and fresh.
Isabel: You ride with Anna.
Jackie Harrison: You'll learn.
Isabel: You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you... every single second. Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll be thinking, "I wish my mom was here."
Jackie Harrison: And mine is... she won't.

 At first, if you don't know the context, that sounds kind of harsh. It reads like Isabel doesn't want the kids thinking about their mom. But I don't think that's it at all.

Because in my heart, I understand. It's not that she doesn't want to share Anna — she most definitely does. It's that she doesn't want to fail Anna. She doesn't want the kids to ever lack anything.

And she knows that, inevitably, she will most likely fail in some way, because she has missed so much. She's not their mother, she will never be their real mother, but only an imitation that they ended up with because their mother likely won't live that long.

That, to me, sums up a lot about being a stepparent, even the parent is still alive. There's a lot of trying to measure up and not succeeding, because that's not how daddy or mommy do it. There's a lot of heartache and pain. And, I confess, I cry sometimes about what I'm doing wrong. Because there's a BIG learning curve in being a stepparent.

I know there's real manual about being a parent, at least that's what they say, but there's even less about being a stepparent. And there's even less about being a stepparent when you've never had kids. There's plenty about blended families, (I blame the Bradys for making that look easy) but little about when only one in the couple has kids.

And I've looked. I've looked in online, in the library, and in so many bookstores. So far, I've found two, one that I can't find in print and the other called, "But I'm not a wicked stepmom." That should tell you something. Heaven forbid if you're trying to be a stepdad. I tip my hats to you sirs. There may be more, but that's all I've found thus far.

I guess it goes back to something my cousin told me when Jim and I first started dating. I went to him for a lot of advice, because he has kids the same ages apart and who were about the same age as Jim's when he got divorced. He told me about dating a woman who didn't have kids. He ran into her years later, after they fizzled and she had kids of her own, and she said she never really understood what he was going through or what he was saying sometimes until she had kids of her own.

He was telling me this, not to scare me, just to alert me. He was saying that I might never be able to understand what Jim was going through because I don't have kids.

That's something else to remember as a stepparent. There's a reason they hold such high regard for their parents and there's a reason you may never break that ceiling, if that's a place you're aspiring to. Because you're not.*

Always be respectful of both their parents, the one you married and the one you didn't, because the kids see that and will respect you more for it.

And, at the end of the day, wish for the place just below or behind and be so very thrilled that you even get an invitation to the circle. Be honored and blessed to carry the title of stepparent and carry it with a high regard.

And please, do your best to do it justice. There's a lot of us out here doing the same and we can use all the help we can get. Maybe someday we can find a fairy tale where the stepmom is awesome and one that actually includes a stepdad and the whole family, all four parents, work together.

That's a book I would read.

*End note: Some stepparents do have to take on the role of mom or dad and I think those individuals should receive the upmost praise for stepping up when someone else stepped out. But for others of us, being able to know when to step back a bit is the best thing you can do for the kiddo. Always be there, but sometimes, be behind.

+Second end note: I could continue this conversation forever. It's usually an internal conversation, so forgive me if it's long.

And hug a stepparent.