From a step-mom to be

“I never wanted you here. You simply were never part of the plan. Growing up and dreaming of my family I never included you...” -An Open Letter to My Daughter's Stepmom

Some time back there was a letter circulating the web from a woman to her daughter’s new step mom. It talked about how much she desperately wanted to hate the new woman in her daughter’s life and how she had hoped she could, but she couldn’t. How much her daughter loved her new step mom and how great she was to the girl.

“In my mind you would be a terrible beast and my daughter would not want you to mother her at all, ever! I was hoping that you would be semi unattractive and prayed my daughter wouldn’t look up to you. Her daddy would know that he was setting for second best…Then you arrived.”

I read that letter. Those wonderful, sweet words and longed that such a letter would be crafted with me in mind.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m going to be a stepmom. I don’t plan on having the kids call me that, unless that’s what they choose. I plan on simply being “Kendra.”

When Jim and I started dating and later when we became engaged, I worried about the kids. Not that I was worried about them — I never worried about their existence, mind you, just their reactions to me.

I know Jim and I are great together. We make each other happy, we glorify God and we have a healthy relationship. Of those things I have no doubts.

The budding photographer. :)

But I would be lying to say I never have any doubts. Not about Jim, never. I never doubt his love for me.

My doubts are much like most women’s are — doubts about myself. Doubts of whether I’m enough. Specifically, whether I’m enough for the kids.

It’s much harder to be a stepmom than people realize. Or even just daddy’s girlfriend. 

I’m certainly not their mother. They have a mother who loves them very very much and I never want to do anything to take away from that. Mom is an honor reserved for her and only her, not for me.

It’s a tricky balance. I’m sort of a parent, I’m parental-like. But I’m often unsure of how parent-like I should be. Most of the time, I feel like I’m filling a role of aunt or baby sitter or something.

Not that Jim puts me in that role, it’s me. It goes back to that uncertainty. I don’t want to do anything to push them away and, yet, I also have certain rules and expectations. I was raised a certain way and it’s hard to not project that on them.

Not that how they have been raised is incorrect — it’s just different. Times are different, the world is different.

But back to the letter.

“I realized by the look on your face that meeting me was just as hard as it was for me to meet you…I wanted to resent you but you made it impossible and I quickly grew thankful for you.”

PIIZZZAAAAA :) 

(Eventually, a response surfaced from the stepmom, thanking the birth mother for the kind words. She talked about not being as eloquent with her words, but that she was thankful.)

I hope, someday, maybe those words can be uttered about me. Maybe I’m a big ball of sap, maybe I’m hoping for too much. I’m not seeking some big public letter, I’m not asking she love me or be my “bestie.” I just hope she is… okay with me. Sometimes, okay is all you can ask for.

I pray for the kids, I pray for us, I pray for her. I can never understand her pain in being separated from them, even for a short time, but I know how it feels on this end.

And no matter what, I’m thankful for her. Because without her and without that relationship, the world would be shy two wonderful kiddos. While I know I’ll never be their mother, I’m thankful I will get the opportunity to be their stepmom.