The beast of appearance

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person." ~P.J. O'Rourke

Appearance is a finicky beast. As a society, we rely so heavily on the outward appearance of a person to determine how we treat them. 

And, we often allow what we THINK people think of our appearance to influence how we think of ourselves. 

In high school, I was always the quiet friend. Just one in the group…a wallflower…all of those typical cliches. It's a role I played quite well. 

Back then, it was a matter of self-confidence. All my friends were the tiny little creatures and I was always a giant or…well, I felt like a bull in a china shop sometimes. It wasn't a conscious thought, it's just something that happened.

I never thought of myself as being self-conscious. Looking back, I still don't think I lacked it, not really. I think I just got comfortable in those positions. I allowed people to place me there. Maybe I was a bit self-conscious, because I never had the confidence to tell them no or to push out of that box.

By nature, I'm an observer. I like to figure people out before I let them have a chance to figure me out. So that's probably part of it. I always quietly observed, usually behind a book, the workings of my classmates. So maybe that's why they placed me in the box. I got used to it, got comfortable and stayed there. 

Since high school, since that awkward stage that none of us were really sure of, I've stepped out of that box. College forced that hand a bit. I was still quiet and reserved at first, I still am and I think I probably always will be, to an extent. But I pushed out of that box. I pushed away from the folks who put me there, subconsciously. (I want to say here, if you think this in reference to you, I'm terribly sorry. I don't mean to hurt or upset anyone. I'm writing this because it's a new realization I'm coming to and I'm sure there are others who have felt this way…so perhaps I can help them. Please don't be offended.)

See, for me, college was the natural break I needed. There was a lot happening in my life at the time. The semester before my high school graduation, we lost two family pets, one that I'd had most of my life (and on the day of my senior prom!), my papaw was trying to recover from a stroke and a friend whom I loved dearly died suddenly. 

So, it had become a big time of reflection and growing up.

That summer, my papaw got worse, going in and out of hospitals. 

College provided that natural break-away, the one I needed to become my own person and to define who I was. Sure, I still fell into that role, but I was working it out, especially those first few years. A lot happened in my family those years, so that's where my focus lay. I didn't take the time to maintain those "home friends" because I was focused on those who were present in my present.   

Despite being that quiet friend, I've always been fiercely independent, a fact my parents can attest to. So much so, I've been downright stubborn and bull-headed. I still am. Perhaps I was trying to prove things to others. Now it's just because…well, I've been on my own (with my safety net not too far away, of course) for long enough that I've learned to make it work that way. 

That stubbornness, I think, is what further kept me from reconnecting with those relationships for a while. I was determined to make it. 

Anyway, these days, I barely recognize who I was. But in a good way. Work is being good for me, helping push me out of any remaining boxes. 

While some could say that the weight is connected to the confidence, I don't think so. I think it takes confidence to push yourself to be healthy. I think those who equate the two are sorely mistaken, while you may feel better when you're lighter, you aren't any happier. It takes more than just shedding some weight to be happy about who you are. 

Anyone who tells you otherwise, is full of it. And anyone who wants to tell me otherwise, well, I'll just say it — you're full of it.

The weight isn't what has made me happy about who I am. It's part of who I am now, but saying losing weight makes you happy, just like saying your job makes you happy or or your car makes you happy…well, that's allowing that to define you. And you should never be defined by such trivial things. Because, just as easily as you can lose your job or your car, you can lose your health. Some fluke disease could hit you and you could gain all that weight or you could lose too much or … any number of things. 

Happiness is not defined by the trivial. 

You can enjoy your job. You can allow it to affect your happiness, but you shouldn't allow it to consume your happiness. Same with your weight. You can love your new body or hate how it looks — actually, no, never HATE your body. Your body is a temple of God. Always love yourself. 

If you are unhappy with the way it looks, change it in a healthy manner. But do that knowing that it will not make you truly happy. If you aren't happy with who you are, you'll never be happy with who you become. Your happiness…well, it a place you have to reach on your own. 

For me, my faith does make a large difference. It's easier to be happy and content in life when I know that there is a bigger being in charge. One that controls the moon and the sun and the earth and all the planets and keeps it all up there, in motion. It's easier to not be bogged down with those things when I remember that I am not working for nothing. I'm working for Him. 

Granted, I still get unhappy. I still get bogged down, I still get self-conscious, I still get confused and overwhelmed and just … ahh! It happens. But I remember, sometimes after having a little pity party or a dramatic cry session, that there's something bigger at play. That things will be okay. And that happiness isn't temporary and isn't defined by things that society may deem important. It isn't defined by those things that are so fluid and subject to change.

It's an internal definition. It's taking joy in the small and the beautiful. Things that may also be temporary, but the effects are lasting. Like seeing a beautiful, happy dog running to meet you after a long day (or a child, for those of you with the two-legged variety). It's the random surprise flowers on your walk. It's dancing in the kitchen while you clean. 

It's finally getting something that you've worked hard for. In that case, it's not the thing that matters, but enjoying the moment and knowing that it was your hard work and determination. 

It's learning to trust yourself, who you are and being happy with that. Such a hard thing for a teenager and so many adults never learn how. It's a lesson that sometimes takes a lifetime to sink in. 

I'm always a work in-progress. But I think that's okay. :) God loves me and my flaws.