What we wish guys knew.

After conversations with friends (both guys and girls), I have begun to notice some things. Some were explicitly told to me and some were simply implied. Nonetheless, they are issues, shall we say, that arise in guy-girl relationships.

This doesn't have to mean romantic relationships, either. It mostly is, but not always.

I don't claim to be any expert about this; I have practically no experience in an actual romantic relationship. But, I'm quite the observer. And I've seen so many things go wrong in relationships, simple things, because people failed to see the warnings. Or chose to ignore them.

So here it is, a shortened list of "Things we wish guys knew." If you have any suggestions for the list, email me and I'll take them into consideration. And maybe add them to the list.

This first one is more a personal pet peeve. It involves guys who are your friends.

I, personally, see nothing wrong with guys and girls being friends. In fact, it seems rather healthy because it keeps you more grounded. However, sometimes the lines in friendship get blurred. And that's a dangerous path to travel.

So this first one is: learn the boundaries.  Connally Gilliam, christian author, wrote a book called, "Revelations of A Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect." In it, she discusses many topics (I highly recommend this book for girls AND guys. It's a very good book!), including how women protect their hearts.

She likens our hearts to a garden with different areas. In her example, there are two areas, but I feel like a third, middle area should be added. The outer ring is a public area, this is where most people can enter; it's those you care about, but you are also not always that close to. This is used for neighbors, the babysitter or dogwalker, friends, etc.

There is a slightly more restricted area (my addition), that is for those close friends, family, etc. Then, there is the innermost area. This part of the garden is reserved for those people who are the most important, the most trustworthy. It should be for the who you are committing to; your spouse. It could be for a friend or a parent perhaps, but it is to be the most guarded area.

Now, this might sound odd. It seems I'm telling you to guard your heart. And I am, to an extent. If that boundary is in place, there's no confusion of whether or not your friend is more. It's up to you to define the boundary. And it's up to you to not allow them to cross it. Unless you want them to. You just have to be prepared to deal with that.

This is something it seems so many friends kind of struggle with: how to maintain that boundary. The most mature thing would be to talk about it...but who's mature? I certainly battle with maturity as far as relationships go, so I can't begin to make assumptions about anyone else.

Number two: (The following are more along the lines of romantic relationships.) If you want to get a certain type of girl/guy, ask yourself, 'am I the kind of person that they would want to date?' I'm not saying you should change who you are for another person, but it is something to consider.

I once heard Steve Harvey talking about this. He wrote a book on this particular subject called "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man." While I haven't read his book (it's on the list), I did enjoy the interview and what he was saying made a lot of sense. That was one of the points. Think of this way: would you expect to be able to land the attentions of an athletic, exercise-minded person if you weren't focused similarly?

Another way to see it; from a christian standpoint, are you evenly yoked with this person? If you are a believer in God, or whatever you might choose to believe, do they feel similarly? This might be more serious than whether or not you have similar interests. Ultimately, that's something you would have to decide on your own.

Three: (This is more for the guys, sorry!) Grow up. I'm sure that it is tough on guys to deal now. The women's rights actions have taken full hold and we can do anything (basically) anymore. As little girls, we're told we can be whatever we want, do whatever we want, live however we want, etc., all we have to do is be strong and try hard.

We are able to work when and where we want and live exactly how we want to live. If our car is messed up, we can visit a mechanic, no trouble. Or fix it ourselves, if one knows how. Even having a kid doesn't require physically being with a man anymore, there's in-vitro fertilization and sperm donors. Modern women are quite capable at doing it all. (This is not to say that women before us couldn't; many of them did mighty impressive things, and they all did what they thought was necessary to make their way.)

One of the best ways to explain this is from an episode of How I Met Your Mother (one of my favorite shows), called, "Baby Talk." Robin recently got a new co-worker, Becky, who always uses a baby voice and acts like a little girl. It drives Robin crazy, yet all the men love it. Finally, Ted helps her see that the attraction with Becky comes from the neediness. Not that it's necessarily a good thing to be super needy, but, as Ted explains, "It's good to be needed sometimes."

This is the problem. It seems we aren't needing men as much as they might like. On the other hand, something that they perhaps haven't considered and that we fail to reflect, but we still need them. Maybe not in the ways we once did, but there's still a need. The reality of the situation is this: there are things that we cannot do for ourselves. It's a comfort issue and it's difficult to explain. I could be wrong (limited experience), but I expect that there's comfort that comes with this relationship.

First, let me explain that.

This is a comfort that comes with sharing and knowing a person's innermost thoughts, feelings, etc. A comfort of trust. It could be provided from a friend, but I'm just not sure that the intimacy level is quite there. If you do believe in God, I would argue that this trust level is one that you reach with Him. He created all of it, so I think He has a large part to play in that.

Now, that's something that a husband/wife would be able to give and vice versa. They just have to be willing to emotionally invest in one another. The problem seems, that many guys (and even girls, too. Sorry if I seem to be picking on the guys.) lack maturity these days. We are all waiting in our growing up process. Many are going to school or traveling more. Marriages are occurring later. Life, in that sense, just seems delayed.

This means that the maturity is delayed as well. I know so many guys who would be excellent mates, they just lack the maturity to do so. I'm not even talking about being ready to get married. I just mean acting like an adult. It seems that our postponing of adulthood, or whatever you want to call it, is making it harder to actually grow up when the time is necessary.

Here's a secret for you: grow up. Be someone she/he can trust, be mature, and grow up. I'm not saying you can't have fun or you have to be boring. But being responsible goes a long way.

Number four: "Man" up. If you want a girl to need you, be need-worthy. Be a guy who takes care of yourself and cares for those around you. Be kind and compassionate. Be a gentleman. Make it worth her time.

And, girls, the same goes for you. Be a lady.

Even if you have no desire to be in a relationship at the moment, it wouldn't hurt you to be a gentleman or lady (whichever applies). It's good to practice a bit of kindness and respect for others. It seems the world is sincerely lacking in that area. I'm not longing for the days past, where women wore skirts and curtsied every time they met a man, but I do long for some of the niceties that went along with that.

Simple things, like holding a door for one another, offering your seat to an elderly person or a pregnant woman (unless you're stuck on the Subway following the NY city marathon, but that's unlikely), and just remembering to say please and thank you. Remember those lessons you learned in kindergarten.

Along with that, cut the drama. No one wants to date a drama queen or a whiny guy. Cut all that crap and just be a real and honest person who really, honestly cares for others. Be brave, be willing to take chances. Show that you are worth it.

Whether or not things work out for you two, the other person will at least respect you. And they will be more likely to return that respect. Heck, maybe you can influence some of your friends to treat others, partners included, with such respect.

Number five: Here's a little known secret. Girls long to be courted. Along with the idea of respect, this has gone by the wayside. While it may seem a bit old-fashioned, it means more than you think. Again, I'm not asking to go back in time, but it is nice to remember things. And this applies to every man, even if you've been married twenty years. Flowers or other thoughtful gifts, not because you have to or because you've done something wrong, but because you want to.

I've always heard that men are more task-oriented people. So if you need to see this as a task, maybe view it this way: the task is help your significant other remember that you do care about them. And the way you do this, is by doing those small things that are just nice. Like doing a little extra housework or buying their favorite snack or meal for them. It doesn't have to be big and it doesn't have to be expensive. It just needs to show that you care about them.

Women really aren't as hard to figure out as you might think. And if you ask one, one who isn't upset or angry with you, one you trust, they might be able to help steer you in the right direction.

That's all for now...