Facing the monsters
The last four years have just flown by.
Some days, I feel incredibly old. I talk to guys from band who seemed so young back then and are now halfway through high school. It seems time passed quickly.
Other days, I feel like I should barely be out of high school. I half expect my mom to walk in and yell at me for the state of my room. She does that on occasion when I'm home, however, it has been quite some time since we really fought over that sort of thing.
The rest of the time, when I am not thinking about the past and I'm trying to ignore my present life, I start daydreaming about the future. And it scares me. The closer I seem to get, the more freaked out I begin to feel.
This week, I realized that I have to stop being afraid. Granted, knowing and doing are two completely different things, but admitting you have a problem is the first step. (Or so 'they' say).
Talking with my friend and co-worker Erin, who is profiled in the next issue of The Patriot, always puts me in that fearful state. She, like myself, is a senior who will be graduating in May. The difference between us is that Erin seems to have it figured out. She has a plan. A real plan. She wants to move back home, marry the love of her life, Matt, and start teaching.
Erin longs for May.
I, on the other hand, want it to be a long way away.
This weekend, I realized that I am stuck. I'm afraid to look back and I'm scared to move forward. I'm afraid to fail.
As corny as it sounds, I'm afraid of falling. I've become pretty good at juggling over the past few years, between balancing school and home and work and everything in-between. I'm tired. And, to be honest, I don't think I have the grace to be a good juggler.
So I'm letting go. I've made a new promise to myself, one that I think will be a bit easier to keep. Mainly because I'm not doing it alone. For once, I'm going to actually try to not control my life. I'm stepping out on the faith that God has really a big net and makes a much better juggler than I do. After all, he invented grace.
I remember reading (and loving!) a Sesame Street book featuring Grover. It was titled "The monster at the end of this book."
In the book, Grover is scared of the monster at the end and he does everything imaginable to keep the reader from the turning the page. But when you get there, the monster is Grover. The whole time he was scared of nothing. Grover's fear of what could be at the end exceeded the reality of what was there.
I think the same is true with so many of us. Our expectations and fears far exceed the reality. In the end, we cause ourselves so much more stress and pain than it was ever worth.
Which is why I've determined to let it go. Give my fears and my expectations over to God. My fears are bound to be worse than the reality. Deep down I know that no matter what happens, I'll be okay, as long as I let God have control.
The question is, can I do it? Can I give up the control?
Or do I continue to make the monsters grow?